Silence and much needed Solitude

I sit here quietly, just me. Life has been buzzing around me, I realized at this moment that I'm dizzy from trying to keep up. I've been working hard at my kitchen cabinet makeover, put together the best birthday party I could for my grandmother and trying my best to figure out what to with my four year old who has suddenly been possessed by this other naughty boy that I don't know. I sat down to work on my blog, I've got dozens of blogs tucked away in my psyche waiting patiently for me to birth them into the world. I can tell something is off today, because as I sat down to write I felt blocked. Not blocked, in terms of writing...blocked emotionally. I figured I could fire off a blog written from my head but there seems to be a disconnect from my heart today. Maybe it's that I'm tired, maybe I haven't taken time to listen to myself lately. I decided that I would write this blog instead, written from heart and spirit.

It's only fair that I'm honest that some days, this simple abundance journey is hard. The important thing is that you take time to listen to yourself. After many years of practice, I can hear the gentle whisper of my spirit. There was a time when I could only hear it if it was whacked over my head like a ton of bricks. Finally, I have learned that if my mind, body and spirit have enough of being ignored it manifests in the form of anxiety or depression, all because I didn't listen. After time, I have learned to feel my spirit gently tapping me on the shoulder, today she says, rest.

I have chosen to turn my ringer off my home phone, shut my cell phone off, even close the magazines that I so adore. With a quiet afternoon to myself I am going to meditate quietly, nurture my spirit with silence and solitude for just a few hours. I have my candle burning beside me, I may treat myself with a delicious little snack and a soothing cup of tea. I may have a little cry if I need to and when I feel better I will have a refreshing bath and see where the rest of the day takes me.

So my day today went like so:

Got to work and proceeded to decorate my classroom bulletin board in preparation for the Christmas season while sipping my coffee. After my shift was over, i did some paperwork while eating my Kashi cereal for breakfast (trying to sneak that protein and fibre in) the whole time telling my co-worker Jenn stories about my life. I get home to my two babies staring up at me, the phone rings its my friend Sunshine needing some advice on a project, my husband is leaning in for a kiss good-bye and I start right away to making the beds. In a desperate attempt to keep my house clean in this somewhat crazy life of mine I sought out the advice of my good friend Martha Stewart. Martha suggests that if you only do these 6 things a day, they will help keep your house kept up. So here goes the list as posted on my fridge and what it really looks like in action at my house.

1. Make the beds...easy enough if the bedding wasn't covered in pee pee leaks and milk spillage, therefore leading me to have to change the bedding.

2. Manage Clutter...she makes that sound so easy...like duh! stupid you just manage the clutter...that pretty much could consume an entire day in a house with a 1 year old and a three year old. Doll house furniture everywhere, mega blocks in every corner. The best part being, as you are tidying the doll house they are ripping out the bin of hotwheels and dumping it in the next room! So, here's how I manage it: some great advice from my queen of clean friend Sunshine, grab a laundry basket and go around the house collecting everything that is on the floor or out of place. Then one of us will find a home for the stuff at the end of the day. However I must mention that a basket I collected 3 days ago still sits in the corner of my dining room.

3. Sort the mail....bills....bills...junk mail in the garbage....bills...stick them in the drawer...

4. Clean as you cook...So as working parents Alex and I pick up the kids at daycare at 5:30 p.m. By this time they are starving. They are begging at our heels for scraps of cheese and hunks of bread! We scramble around the kitchen- And it sounds a little like this : Clang-Bang-Bubble-Bubble-BEEP (microwave) in a mad dash to feed our little ones before they get ugly. And by the time I announce "Dinner Time!" I look around in amazement at the bomb that just snuck up and hit my kitchen.

5. Wipe up spills as they are fresh...I can do that, if I can find them when they are fresh. For example the other day stepping in some spilled, now sticky, orange juice I didn't find while it was fresh.

6. Sweep the kitchen floor...no problem!

My point to all this is that I try, we all try, to find a balance to get the little things done in our day to help our lives run more smoothly. Its this juggling act where we attempt to keep all these balls in the air at once. We all do it, even if your not a mom, maybe you are a student working 2 jobs or maybe you have a demanding career that gives you more than enough balls to juggle right there at the office. Of course, I set my intentions for a clean house, happy children, loving relationship with husband, great friendships, successful career and most importantly, take care of myself. I have every single self-help book on the market to help me do this better. However I've come to realize that some of the balls just have to be dropped...and that's okay. For today, the hotwheels are still in the corner...the clutter basket still sits...the laundry pile is insane...but I took the time to nurture my friendships and I made time to be able to write this blog entry, which makes me happy. Maybe tomorrow the blog will have to wait, as I sort that mail pile and wash some bedding.

I believe that we do have the power to get things done, working at full speed, multi-tasking the whole way through. But I know women who do that and they burnout, and then you are no good to anyone. Once they burn out it takes everything in them at the end of the day to do anything besides nurse their bottle of wine. They can't imagine ever making love again. They can't bring themselves to answer another phone call. This is what I've seen happen to women who are everything to everyone all the time. This balance that I seek is to prevent this kind of burnout before I too end up charred. For me, finding balance in life is not something that can just be achieved by reading just the right book, with just the right simple steps. Its a personal journey, that takes constant re-evaluating. It takes giving it all you got but then realizing when to put on the brakes and say thats enough. Despite what my friend Martha says, its not that easy.