I sure do miss you, it seems like way too long.
I miss your breath against my skin, laughter with my head thrown back from deep in my belly. I want to sing with you again, the most harmonious duet that will bring people to their feet. Let's create a standing ovation.
Come with me and we'll take a new journey. Dance the waltz with me in that pink twirly dress I've always wanted to wear.
Swim with me in the cerulean sea amongst a kaleidoscope of fish who race between us and tickle our cheeks with their fins.
Meet me in the depths of the forest and we'll walk arm in arm and tell our deepest secrets. Follow me and we'll climb the steepest hills till we reach the very top and we'll sit at the edge of the earth and dangle our feet.
I'll rest my head on your shoulder and you'll lovingly brush the hair from my eyes so the gorgeous view is perfectly clear.
Run with me in a field of bright red poppies and daisies and blue cornflowers towards that little farm in the countryside and watch the herd of sheep graze and name them one by one.
Come sit with me on that farmhouse porch that wraps itself all the way around. Swing with me under it's gabled roof and watch as the sun sets.
Hold me in your warm embrace, as I rest my face against your beating heart and cry tears of joy. Pull me in tighter and whisper in my ear that you'll never leave me again. Feel my heart that beats now to the rhythm of gratitude and love and awareness.
Intertwined with you I'm drunk on the countless possibilities, smiling with a sense of youth in my bones, the addictive taste of nostalgia in your kiss and the tingling sensation of the entire universe in my fingertips.
I'll meet you with the same elation of that very first kiss, the first glance of my babies sweet face, the feeling of hearing a song for the first time and the melody takes your breath away.
Our time together is limited
Let's sneak away and indulge in this passionate love affair and vow that from this day forward we'll never again take a single breath for granted.
Monday, January 15, 2018
Monday, January 8, 2018
I sit here with an urge to write. I'm learning again to follow that whisper to grab a pen when the call comes. My voice is returning, and I welcome her with open arms. This call to write comes with an intense realization that every single day up till this very moment I thought I was living my truth but I've been living up to the truth of the Tammy everyone needs me to be. Carefully treading, forever tip toeing, eternally silenced to make every one else feel at ease. Lately as more of my world falls away, as I cut more ties, I realize I have been living in a way that no longer serves me well. The time is now to choose me and I'm scared as hell. I look in the mirror with everything completely stripped away and I hardly recognize my own self.
The winds of change are blowing faster than I can keep up with, with fear as wings I find myself in uncharted territory. Learning a new way of living, uncovering layers of conditioned responses, feeling naked and exposed. Learning with surprise that loyalty is only to be valued if it allows you to live in your truth, that not every damn person deserves your heart, that it's ok to say you're not ok and it's ok to not have the answers today.
I'm also learning however, if you're quiet enough the answers are there in the silence spaces between the chaos. The answers are in the stirring thoughts that keep you up at twilight's hour. The Answer is in the lyrics that bring you to unexpected tears. The Answer is where you long to be when you're a long way from home. The Answer lies in the embrace of those that make you feel at home. The Answer is in your greatest fear. The Answer lies before you when every way you distracted and numbed yourself is ripped away. The Answer is what flows from your pen when you're called.
Sunday, December 31, 2017
What a whirlwind, running in circles, tear stained pillow cases, quiet lonely nights calling to God to please take me home before the sun rises, fighting for my life, sifting through the rubble that I created. All the while knowing I was the impact, but I also had to be the glue.
In 365 days I packed up all my belongings, all the items packed away in each box dampened from tears. I said goodbye to the 4 walls that echoed with my babies laughter, and smelled like muffins I baked afterschool. Their heights all measured on the back of the door. I sat outside that last summer night and looked at the swing set and garden and trampoline, and I wept for every memory. This was my home and in one day it was no longer mine.
I fell apart.
In these 365 days I wondered each day how did I let this happen. It was my damn job to protect these innocent beings from pain and I failed them.
The first night daddy was gone I held my daughter as her small body shook and sobbed sorrowful tears begging for daddy to come back. I listened as she sat in the tub and wondered aloud if this was all her fault cause, she questioned if maybe I hadn't spent so much time loving her i would have made more time to love daddy just as much. My baby boy only 5 years old slept after a day at school and his teacher reported he just kept saying hes "sad" He didn't even have the words but it was clear as this active silly boy had lost something too.
Within these 365 I kept going to work, and white knuckled my days to just fucking keep it together. Until I couldn't anymore. I took my last phone call and sat in front of my computer and wept big tears, the call centre floor started to spin. I logged off my phone I spent 90 days busting my ass to train for, to try and give my kids a good start and I walked out. I fell apart a little more.
A broken mess.
In 365 days I moved all my belongings into a cute little apartment. Dressed the walls and fluffed the nest but it didn't feel like home. Back and forth I went between "Wow...i did this..i am so brave...."...and "Wow...i did this...What The FUCK did I do?!?."
No one seemed to have an answer to that to soothe me except this one friend. She leaned over and said "Its ok I got you...we can solve this together."
At first sip she was comfort, she made every fucked up feeling go away, every bit of guilt disappear, all the confusion make sense somehow. She made those first lonely nights here without my kids feel not so lonely. So I wanted her here every night. Sips became glasses, glasses became bottles. Soon my "friend" actually started to make the darkness darker and the lonely summer nights on my balcony more lonely. Till she had me questioning if I jumped from the 3rd floor if I could actually kill myself or would I just be badly injured.
I couldn't get out of bed most days. I was filled with shame at who I had become.
I wanted to take my life. I decided my friend had to go.
She's not leaving without a fight. She keeps banging on the door and sometimes on those empty cold nights I want to let her in. There's a silent voice here now that says "Don't let her in...She's not really your friend"
I mean what kind of a friend shouts aloud to take your own life?
365 days of literally fighting to survive. I'm proud to say I did in fact survive. So tonight as I ring in 2018 I celebrate that I'm still here to celebrate it. There's a new feeling of hope that maybe this year will be the year I transform, and I'm finally able to see all the collateral beauty.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Sprouts should be tender and golden brown. Finish off with some more fresh parmesan if you please. Serve immediately.
Friday, September 21, 2012
- Open your heart to give love and receive love
- Find out what you truly love and direct all of your energy towards being surrounded by it
- Immerse yourself in people and projects that inspire you
- Use your talents that bring you and others joy to serve your purpose.