Monday, January 8, 2018

The Answer

I sit here with an urge to write. I'm learning again to follow that whisper to grab a pen when the call comes.  My voice is returning, and I welcome her with open arms. This call to write comes with an intense realization that every single day up till this very moment I thought I was living my truth but I've been living up to the truth of the Tammy everyone needs me to be. Carefully treading, forever tip toeing, eternally silenced to make every one else feel at ease. Lately as more of my world falls away, as I cut more ties, I realize I have been living in a way that no longer serves me well. The time is now to choose me and I'm scared as hell. I look in the mirror with everything completely stripped away and I hardly recognize my own self.
The winds of change are blowing faster than I can keep up with, with fear as wings I find myself in uncharted territory. Learning a new way of living, uncovering layers of conditioned responses, feeling naked and exposed. Learning with surprise that loyalty is only to be valued if it allows you to live in your truth, that not every damn person deserves your heart, that it's ok to say you're not ok and it's ok to not have the answers today.
I'm also learning however, if you're quiet enough the answers are there in the silence spaces between the chaos. The answers are in the stirring thoughts that keep you up at twilight's hour. The Answer is in the lyrics that bring you to unexpected tears. The Answer is where you long to be when you're a long way from home. The Answer lies in the embrace of those that make you feel at home. The Answer is in your greatest fear. The Answer lies before you when every way you distracted and numbed yourself is ripped away. The Answer is what flows from your pen when you're called.

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